April 11, 2006, 10:20pm

Sorry for the delay in posting this. I’m getting too old for this working two jobs thing… I used to be able to work two jobs, go to school and stay out half the night with no problem. But I guess those days are over… I am exhausted these days. Thank goodness it’s only temporary…

But I digress. I started this post a few days ago, but I kept adding and adding to it. Finally I made myself stop, but not before it got pretty long winded. Please bear with me. I think it’s worth reading through to the end.

So the Guilty or Innocent Game is a little silly, but fun, and makes a very salient point—we’re all just people. Most of us did some wild things in our youth, maybe we’re still a little wild, but does that make us any less valuable as human beings? Of course not.

But as a future teacher, I’m reluctant to admit that I partied in my youth. Even more than that, I worry about just being myself. On the one hand, I believe it’s vital to lead by example. I want to help students to find their own voice and to speak out for what they believe. How can I encourage them to do that if I’m not willing to do it myself? But on the other hand, I worry that I won’t ever get the chance to teach if I reveal my true self. If I am completely honest about my beliefs, is someone going to hire me or would I be committing career suicide?

It sounds ridiculous, but I’ve seen first hand how anyone “different” is looked down on here in the South. If you’re not White, Male, Christian and Straight, you’re “different.” If you’re unlucky enough to be born female, then your best bet to increase your “status” is to marry a White Christian Male and have several of his children as soon as possible.

Some of you here in the South may be having a stroke right about now. You may be thinking that it’s not like that anymore. That discrimination no longer exists. Well, Virginia, there really is discrimination. It may be more subtle, but it is alive and well. Trust me. I’ve seen it first hand.

I was naïve at first, too. I figured that schools would be the most enlightened. They should be, I thought. This is the future of America. This is where I can encourage students to make changes for the better. But schools are also microcosms of the society that built them. In many ways, they just reflect what the community is thinking and doing.

In a school where I recently worked, I’ve seen teachers in the break room stop talking when an African American substitute walked into the room. I witnessed the hard blank stares and the phony smiles when she walked in and said “hello.” And when I made space at the table for her and made small talk, I saw a wider space grow around the two of us.

In the halls and classrooms, racial slurs of all varieties abound. And the amount of homophobic insults are staggering. “Fag” is a word you hear ALL the time. Every day. Every period. In the halls, lunch room and classroom. Whenever I hear any racial or homophobic comments, I immediately cut the speaker short. (If I can find out who said it.) But I feel like it’s a losing battle because so many of the students really don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.

In one class that I was covering, as people were taking their seats, a student called another kid a “fag.” I told him that if I heard him saying things like that again that he’d be written up.

“But he really IS a fag,” he said to me, “Look at him.” The student he was referring to said nothing. He just hunkered down in his seat, trying to disappear all together.

Oh crap, I thought, what do I say now? I had no idea whether that student was gay or not. But either way, I didn’t want to make things harder for him when class was over. What I did know was that other students were now starting to pay attention and that I had a chance to make a point or really blow it. “It is disrespectful and inappropriate for you to make derogatory comments like that to anyone, PERIOD,” I said. “Comments about a person’s sexuality are especially inappropriate and considered sexual harassment. And I WILL write you up if I hear any more talk like that.”

But this kid couldn’t let it go. He decided to try a new angle. “But being a homosexual is wrong. Don’t you think so?”

I hoped that the overhead speaker wasn’t on “listen to the sub get herself fired” mode and spoke from the heart. “No, I don’t. I believe that we are all human beings that deserve the same respect, rights and privileges.”

“But the Bible says it’s wrong—aren’t you a Christian?”

“We’re not here today to discuss different interpretations of the Bible. We’re here to discuss Edgar Allen Poe’s The Black Death, so please open up your books…”

So class went on and nothing more was said on the subject. It was obvious that I wasn’t going to change that one particular kid’s opinion. For now I was going to have to be satisfied with changing his behavior. But did I help the other student or make things more difficult for him? I would have preferred to have the conversation quietly one on one with the bully, but I missed that boat. What began as a comment before class and an admonition to cut it out just ran away from me. I felt like I blew it.

What could I have done better, differently? They don’t prepare you for this type of thing in our education classes. Which is sad, because this is the type of instruction we need most. Learning content is easy; it’s dealing with tricky situations such as this where I need the most help. I have no problem knowing where I stand on the issues. But when is it appropriate to share my views and when should I keep quiet? What’s going to help my students to explore their own values versus just spitting out what they’ve been told to believe? How can I live my own truth and still keep my job?

What I would have liked to have told the rude student was that no, I wasn’t a Christian anymore, largely because of simpletons like him who turned me off Christianity. People who have used the Bible as an excuse to discriminate against others. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-Christian. I know that not all Christians are that intolerant. Some of the most open minded people I know are Christians, and my mom tops that list. I was baptized and raised as a Christian. It’s a part of who I am, part of my culture. I believe that Christianity has some great lessons on how to live a good life. But so do many other religions. I don’t embrace any one way of thinking in particular, but take what feels right for me and leave the rest. And I’m okay with that, so please don’t worry about my soul. If you’d like to pray for me, great—I appreciate any positive energy sent my way. But please don’t post trying to convert me or convince me of the error of my ways. I’m not interested.

I believe that there are many truths out there. What is right and true for one person may be entirely different from what is right and true for another person. The problem starts when someone thinks that their truth should be everyone’s truth. I believe that no one truth is more valuable than another, and that everyone should be given the same respect, rights and opportunities. I know that this is not what really goes on in the real world, but I believe it is an ideal worth striving for. And my way of reaching for that goal is to encourage my students to strive for this too as they become our future leaders. Idealistic? Egotistical? Probably, but that’s never stopped me before… Afterall, I want to be a TEACHER… Gotta be a bit touched to go into that field anyway, don’t you think?

The scary thing for me is that I really feel in the minority. Even at the college, in my education classes, where I thought people would be the most open minded, I am very much in the minority. My classes have been filled to the brim with young, conservative Christians that are against sex education, feminism, gay marriage, inter-racial marriage, and even in some cases, teaching evolution. Am I really in the USA in the year 2006? Is it just me or does anyone else feel that we’re actually regressing as a country? I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me very nervous…

-A.

Later Friday night...

Ok, LiFeIsPeAcHy, this if for you… But is it okay if I take a drink, like the game “I’ve Never”, every time I say guilty? Afterall it is Friday…

And for the record, kiddies, remember that I'm quite a bit older than some of you and have been of legal consenting age for a very long time now... Underage drinking is not cool. It is NOT cool to break the law. (Unless it's a stupid law that infringes on your basic civil liberties but that's another blog...)



This is the Guilty Game. Next to the questions, put your answers as either guilty or innocent. Guilty if you have, innocent if you haven't. Re-post and see what others have or have not done! No pleading the 5th.

Have a one night stand?
guilty

Hooked up on the first date?
guilty

Singing in the shower
guilty

Spit in someones drink?
innocent

Played with Barbies?
guilty

Made someone cry?
guilty

Lied to a friend?
guilty

Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times?
guilty

Played a Computer game for more than 5 hours?
guilty

Ran through the sprinklers naked?
innocent

Ate food that fell on the floor?
innocent (as far as I know)

Went outside naked?
innocent

Got caught cheatin?
innocent

Got caught doing the 'deed'?
guilty

Faked it?
guilty

Flashed somebody?
innocent

Mooned somebody?
innocent

Been on stage?
guilty

Been on stage naked or close to it?
innocent

Been in a parade?
guilty

Been in a school play?
guilty

Drank beer?
guilty

Gotten detention?
innocent

Been on a plane?
guilty

Been on a cruise?
innocent

Broken into a house?
innocent

Gotten a tattoo?
innocent

Gotten piercings?
guilty (if two in each ear count)

Gotten into a fist fight?
innocent

Gotten into a shouting match?
guilty

Swallowed sea/pool water?
guilty

Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose?
guilty

Laughed so hard it hurt?
guilty

Tripped on your own feet?
guilty

Had sex with more than one person in a day?
guilty

Cried yourself to sleep?
guilty

Cried in public?
guilty

Thrown up in public?
guilty

Lied to your parents?
guilty

Skipped class?
guilty

Cried so hard you stopped breathing?
guilty

Lied somewhere on this survey?
innocent

Tag - You're it!



Hiccup!
-A.

Friday, April 07, 2006, 8:14pm

Since I’ve already listed as many fun facts as I can think of right now in my top 100 list, I’d thought I’d try a twist on the Friday Fun Facts. I have a friend that in every blog post lists things she’s grateful for that day. I think that’s really cool, so I hope you don’t mind L., if I borrow it for Friday…

Five Things I’m Grateful for Today

1. Ben & Jerry’s Napoleon Dynamite ice cream (it’s half Cherry’s Garcia & half chocolate fudge brownie….drool….)
2. High speed internet
3. Heating pads, squishy pillows & Doan’s
4. My crazy pooches that make me laugh
5. Unlimited long distance

I haven’t been sleeping much lately with this pinched nerve, so I’ve been extra grumpy and not feeling very inspired to write. I am feeling homesick, though, and can’t seem to get this song out of my head. Maybe if I post it here, someone else can carry it in their brain for a while and give me a break from it…

Seriously, though, I LOVE this song. I wish you could hear Bowling For Soup sing it—they’re very funny. Hubby and I are both from Texas so we find it especially amusing. I went to college in Denton and you’d be surprised how many great musicians come from there. (Any UNT alumni out there?) Of course back then, I couldn’t wait to get on with my life and was happy to move out of state. It’s so true that you never appreciate something until it’s gone. In my case, it’s missing my friends and family that makes me homesick. For my husband, it’s the Mexican food. It may be beautiful in Georgia, but the Mexican food here definitely sucks! Oh, and in case you didn’t know, “Blue Bell is the best ice cream in the country…”

COME BACK TO TEXAS
by Bowling For Soup

She said she needed a break
A little time to think
But then she went to Cleveland
With some guy named Leland
That she met at the bank

There's nothing wrong with Ohio
Except the snow and the rain
I really like Drew Carey
And I'd love to see the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame

So when you’re done doing whatever
And when you’re thru doing whoever
You know Denton County will be right here waiting for you....

Come back to Texas
Its just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
And forget all about the Lonestar State
There's a seat for you at the rodeo
And I've got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway

I think I made a mistake
Its not that easy to take
She went to make a deposit
Then she cleaned out her closet
Guess I'll sit here and wait

For her to come back home (I'd wish you come back home)
It shouldn't take very long (so long so long)
I bet she misses the sunrise
And Mrs. Baird's fruit pies but I could be wrong

So when you’re done doing whatever
And when you’re thru doing whoever
You know Denton County will be right here waiting for you....

Come back to Texas
Its just not the same since you went away
I bet you missed your exit
And drove right on thru the Lone Star State
There's a seat for you at the rodeo
And I've got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway

Troy Aikmen wants you back
Willie Nelson wants you back
NASA wants you back
And the Bush twins want you back
Pantera wants you back
And Blue Bell wants you back

I got a premonition
I'm taking a petition
And the whole state's gonna sign

Come back to Texas
Its just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
And forget all about the Lone Star State
There's a seat for you at the rodeo
And I've got every slow dance saved

Come back to Texas
Its just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
And forget all about the Lone Star State
There's a seat for you at the rodeo
And I've got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway

-A.

April 5, 2006, 8:45pm

I’m so glad I found blogstream. It is truly an amazing phenomenon. Who could have predicted that so many individual voices would blend into a beautiful, heart rending melody of shared joy, pain and truth? It’s both breath taking and a little overwhelming. I could read for years and still feel that I’ve barely discovered the tip of the iceberg… I’m so behind already, what have I missed out on? What if I become totally addicted and spend night and day chatting with these fascinating, anonymous people who are speaking my truths and don’t even know me?

A risk I’m willing to take… In fact, think I’m going to get a jump on that right now. So I’ll stop writing for now and leave off with the lyrics to a song I love.

DRIVE
by Incubus

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty
stinging clear.
And I can’t help but ask myself
How much I'll let the fear
Take the wheel and steer.

It's driven me before,
It seems to have a vague
haunting mass appeal.
Lately I'm beginning to find
That I should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,
I’ll be there…

So if I decide to waive my chance
to be one of the hive,
Will I choose water over wine
and hold my own and drive?

It's driven me before,
It seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around.
Lately I'm beginning to find
That when I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,
I'll be there…

Would you choose water over wine?
Hold the wheel and drive!

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,
I'll be there…

-A.