Monday, April 03, 2006, 12:48pm  

So I’ve wanted to start a blog for some time now, but I haven’t been able to work up the courage.  I read blogs.  I compose blog entries in my head all the time, on a variety of subjects and moods of passing fancy, but they never go anywhere.  I’m too afraid to post anything for real, so these errant thoughts keep floating around in my brain, and I think they’re beginning to clog the works, so the least I can do is paste them here in this anonymous, sad excuse for a locked diary…(I started writing this in a password protected Word doc on my computer.)  

But just what is it that I’m afraid of?  I try to just sit with the feelings for a moment, to actually feel them with no judgment, see them for what they are, maybe find a way to release all this fear…  

I guess I’m afraid that my husband will see something I’ve written and get upset.  But so what?  He already knows most of my social/moral views anyway.  (We don’t agree on much, but that’s never been an issue—for him.)   It’s obviously the more personal thoughts I have about him and our relationship that I worry about him seeing.  But what’s the worst that can happen?  He’d gain some insight?  He’d leave me?  If so, I’d survive just fine, I know that.  But what if I hurt his feelings?  I think in some ways, deeply hurting his feelings would be worse for me than him leaving me.  Is that twisted?  Maybe.  In truth, I believe my motives are more selfish and uh, cowardly than altruistic.  I’d rather him leave me for his own reasons than have the guilt of hurting him by revealing truths he probably doesn’t want to know.  And let’s be honest, what we feel one day may drastically change the next day, especially in a long term relationship.  It would be disastrous if the people we loved knew everything we ever thought about them.  Wouldn’t it?  

So what else?  What else makes me so afraid to reveal my true thoughts?  I know I’m being egocentric here, but I’m terrified that something I say might come back to haunt me one day.  As if something I have to say could really matter in the big picture of things and that people will one day scour the internet for any hint of me… They’ll find my words here and it will ruin my future reputation as a great teacher, thinker, and philanthropist… (Yeah, right—get a clue, A!)  But even if in some alternate Bizarro world that were to happen, wouldn’t I be the type of person to be unconcerned by those who would look down on me for speaking and living my own truth?  Whatever that is, was or will be?     

See…there’s the rub.  Part of the fear is having to face the truth of my own cowardice—to have to admit that the me I like to think I am isn’t the me that walks around most days in my body.  Because if I were completely honest I’d have to admit that it’s the fear of rejection that so terrifies me and that I’ve lived most of my life doing whatever possible to avoid it.  The fear that the people who know and love the person I allow them to see will discover my true self and no longer love me.  If they reject me now, I can always say, “Well, they didn’t really know me…”  But what if they really knew me and still rejected me? 

I don’t know why it terrifies me so much to have people dislike me, or even worse, reject me.  Why should I care?  Why is their approval so important to me?  So important that I’ll go out of my way to make someone else happy at considerable discomfort to myself?  It’s not like I’ve ever been ostracized by society or anything… Ah, now we’re getting somewhere… I’ve always been an accepted, even somewhat respected member of society.  I’ve seen others on the outskirts and felt for them, even reached out occasionally if it didn’t cost me too much, but I’ve never been one of them… The thought terrifies me and I’m not really sure why.  Am I really that afraid of losing status, power, “privilege”?  (More on this topic later…)  

But what is it that makes me want to publish a blog anyway?  Why not just keep a locked diary somewhere safe?  But why do even that?  Why does anyone keep a journal?  Just to put the thoughts down somewhere other than in your head?  Because to not write is not an option?  To record your history?  To serve as a memory for you when your memory is no longer reliable?  I think it’s some of that and more.  Because if we’re being totally honest here, don’t we all secretly hope that someone else will some day read our writings and relate to them?  Someone will finally understand us?  And even though our blog may say that it is just an exercise for us and that we don’t care if anyone ever reads it, don’t we secretly wish for at least one comment?  Some kind of affirmation that we’re not alone?  Some feeling of connection to another human being?  That’s the beauty of words.  They help us fulfill some of our most basic needs: to be heard, to be understood, and to be loved.  Isn’t that what we’re all really looking for when we journal and/or blog?  

So here goes…I’m pushing the button, taking the cyber leap…in the hopes of better understanding myself, my place in the universe and how we are all connected.  I hope you’ll join me in my quest to connect the dots…  

-A.